What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive
For those navigating the complexities of fertility, even the most thoughtful remarks can feel like sharp reminders of their struggle. Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, recalls the emotional toll of her third miscarriage, which occurred just days before she returned to her job as a receptionist. Colleagues, she says, made comments that cut deep. A female supervisor remarked that she was fortunate to be pregnant early, while a male colleague questioned her professional appearance. “I was in shock,” Vicky shares, eventually resigning after the incident.
“I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” she explains, “but in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that because it hurts.”
Similar experiences are common among those facing fertility challenges. Kay, 33, from Manchester, highlights how conversations about infertility often lead to unintentionally harsh words. “You’re met with really poor words from people,” she says, noting that even close friends can offer advice without considering the emotional impact. One relative, she recalls, suggested she “get ready and not be dramatic” before starting IVF, a comment that felt dismissive.
The NHS reports that roughly one in seven couples encounter difficulties in conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and embryos implanted in the uterus. Despite these numbers, many feel the topic remains socially awkward. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS waiting list for IVF, admits to initially avoiding discussions about her condition. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says, “because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”
Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, adds that cultural expectations can amplify the pressure. In some South Asian communities, women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage face constant questioning. Relatives may blame them for prioritizing careers or delaying marriage, leaving Asiya to withdraw from social interactions. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she recalls, citing the exhausting nature of relentless comments.
Experts emphasize the importance of personalized support. Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London, notes that the emotional journey of infertility can be intense. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster,” she explains, highlighting the anxiety of waiting for results or enduring a period after an embryo transfer.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises seeking support from those who understand the process. “It might be that your IVF support team are different from the people who would normally support you,” she says, urging individuals to utilize counseling services available at UK clinics. Friends and family should ask what kind of help is needed, as preferences vary greatly.
While not all experiences are negative, some find comfort in thoughtful gestures. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, praises the support she received from loved ones. After miscarriages, friends brought food and flowers, and her parents gifted her and her husband restaurant vouchers to take a break. “Small signs of support also mean a lot,” Elena says, citing messages like “thinking of you” as meaningful acts of solidarity.
