The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A private room at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, features a hand-painted sign that reads “GIRLS ONLY” and “Boy’s don’t Enter!” [sic], with a playful addition: “don’t worry boys!”. The board is adorned with bright hearts and stars. As I arrive, a group of about a dozen girls is already immersed in a spirited card game at a large round table. Laughter and chatter fill the air, and a pizza order is placed. This visit is part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls, where I spoke to approximately 150 girls, predominantly aged 13 to 17. The discussion at this table mirrored many of the conversations I had during the series.

Savvy, talkative, and sharp, the girls were engaging and insightful. They shared their aspirations for the future (“I’d like a fridge that fits a vase and be a doctor!”), their bond with friends (“I can confide in her anything”), and their awareness of family care (“I go to town to recharge my Nan’s electric. I love looking after her”). The dialogue shifted rapidly between the card game, school drama, favored teachers, social media trends, and debates about whether there were enough Cheese Feast slices to share. There were. This project follows my previous series About The Boys, where I interviewed teenage males across the UK.

Influence of societal norms

Amid the backdrop of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and the rising attention on Andrew Tate, I sought to understand how these factors shaped the girls’ perspectives. They proved to be thoughtful and articulate, with a courage to express their views. Repeating the experiment with girls felt like a natural continuation. Coincidentally, the Epstein files were released just as I prepared to visit Carmarthen, adding urgency to the work. What I hadn’t anticipated was that a recurring theme emerged across all my conversations: girls still define themselves through the lens of boys.

“Growing up as a girl, so much of that experience revolves around how boys act around you and what they do to you. There’s really no way to discuss that without mentioning boys… and it’s frustrating,” one girl remarked.

Despite their openness, the irony was that many said their behavior changed in the presence of boys. They described avoiding being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” “weird,” or “annoying,” aiming instead to be “pick me” or “a beg” (someone seeking attention). They mentioned how boys can be loud and humorous, but girls are expected to be quieter. Teachers observed girls “keeping their heads down” and “not making a fuss,” or “flying below the radar.” Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has researched similar patterns. She noted: “There’s a clear pressure young women feel to be polite and respectful, and they perceive the expectations placed on their behavior as.”